assalamualaikum and hello everyone. just an fyi, I'm good; I'm not dying. well, at least for now. today's entry is very important; it speaks what I've always felt and dying to let y'all know. also, this is not your usual 'coming out' posts. heck, it's not even close lol. yes, I'm straight. ok back to what I wanted to write.

let's say, you have a lot of amazing internet friends from all around the world. there might be some of them that you've met (hanging out), you've seen (through pictures). but what about those that never showed their faces? or someone that would blur her pictures before uploading them into their social media. or someone that's only stays under radar; watching.... and creeping. lol jk. ok I'll stop here cause I'm gonna move on to another.... things.

things that I wanted to talk about for years. things that have been bugging, disturbing me for years. haha. for real though, I'm on the edge to lose my shit now. my sis' laptop kept on shutting its ass down. so can you imagine, me, trying to write some emotional (lOrd no) shits but shits kept on happening. uGH!!

hm, let's just straight to the point or points lol. have you seen someone that cares so much about her/his physical looks? because I do. and that someone is me. I really hate to say/admit this but I think my passport picture just knocked some senses into me. i need to change how I look, basically how my face looks. and it's a lot of works to do. in fact, needles would be needed. ha bet you thought it's a plastic surgery but hoe you wrong. it's an eye surgery. yes, singular not plural. I have problems with my left eye. weak muscle. lazy and all that jazz.

I also have a problem with my front teeth but it's not as bad as my eye. can you imagine, after all the years, today was the day that I actually realized how hideous I looked. my eye drifted away from where it's supposed to stay and it's bad. it's that bad when I started to get ‘where are you looking/are you talking to me’s.

I was either 5 or 6 that time when I had my first eye surgery. long short story, here I am. writing. I just wanted to say that, how am I gonna face everyone on the first day of college. how am I gonna start a conversation without thinking that they're judging me. how am I gonna walk pass people and not say that I'm the reason why they're laughing. don't fucking tell me I'll be accepted wholely without their sympathy.

no, I'm not blaming Allah for what I'm having, how I'm looking. but its just that— I don't fucking know. maybe I should be grateful cause this gonna ease things for me to find an actual friend when college starts.

there are a lot of things that I wanted to say but I guess only a few of them came out. I'll suck myself off and won't give 2 shits about the pictures that I'll be using for my college and start living, again. I wish I was dead inside so I wouldn't care about any of these things but NO.

I also like to share things I like to do/achieve in the future. good greds > fantastic work > make money > be rich > travel. and I hope with traveling, I'll be able to find myself. figure the shit out of myself.

thank you for sparing your time, reading this. I love you. please, excuse the grammar mistakes.